Jokes

DOG EYES
- submitted by Julie Rogers

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the
guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and
get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my
lead." They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with
the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and
starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."

The host says, "Come on in."

The other guy says to himself, "What the heck," puts on a pair
of dark glasses, and starts to walk in. The host says, "Sorry,
pal, no pets allowed."

"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The host says, "A Chihuahua?"

So the guy says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"

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PRESIDENTIAL SAVINGS PLAN
- submitted by Eric Post
__________________________

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am
putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look
in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and
peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and
$1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and
she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years
I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed.
However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in
the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all
these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was
unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under
the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and
saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home
on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times
is not that bad considering the number of years we've been
together."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later,
Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in
the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty
cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them
for cash."

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The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny
hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town
folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for
the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite
and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the
other red and her bottom is blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he
asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow
any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into
town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the jerk who painted my
wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. "I did
it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of
paint is dry."

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Three people were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first,
"Who's there?"

"It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied.

St. Peter let him in.

St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?"

"It's me, Charlie Jones."

And St. Peter let him in. He finally asked the third one, "Who's there?"

"It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third.

"Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers."

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A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the
older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out
the fries until each had half of them.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands
folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for
them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she
replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use our the teeth.

**************************************************************************************
"Insurance Claim"

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for
fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what
was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to
cancel the policy on my husband."

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"Three Legged Chicken"

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken
running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken
keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He
speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man
noticed the chicken had three legs.

So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He
got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs.
He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a
three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked
him how they tasted.

The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

**************************************************************************************
"What's the Beer for?"

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The
doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed
that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk:
a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first
exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is
for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor
became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit,
nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

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Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?

A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."

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Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."

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TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR MALL HAS A BAD SANTA
- submitted by Krazy Kat
________________________________________

10. Instead of saying, “Ho-Ho-Ho,” he hollers “Oy vey!”
9. He asks the mothers if they want to sit on his lap.
8. Resume includes appearing as Santa in “Naughty, Naughty
Girls.”
7. You recognize him as a former NFL star doing Community
Service hours.
6. He complains that the food court has no whiskey.
5. He refers to the wishing fountain as his “tip jar.”
4. He won’t talk to the kids without conferring with his lawyer.
3. He asks the kids to leave him milk and crack.
2. He Replaces Joe Camel as the new Camel cigarettes spokesman.
1. Before the kids sit on his lap he orders the elves to frisk
them.

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Christmas Zoo

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers -
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"

(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"

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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their
looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If
one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be
turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a
doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the
pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he
loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting
amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these
instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need
batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist
twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in
the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here
somewhere!"

**************************************************************************************
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put
it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the
cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

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WARNING:

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently
issued this bulletin:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

"We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't
expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry
pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with
a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs
of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the
difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries
and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells
like pepper."

**************************************************************************************
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
- submitted by Mayukh Datta
_____________________________

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade
6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle
from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked,
"What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you
for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top
of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from
another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny
Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns
around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there
is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly
turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

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Christmas Shopping (For Men)

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if
he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain.
As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the

word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with
my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A

99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from
his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he
wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they
have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with
the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,
and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will

sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within
a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.
Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows
why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on
the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left
over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.
NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must
be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a
hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart
gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain
saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when
he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an
extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or
at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manilla rope. No one knows why.

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PRAY TELL
- submitted by Larbi Benhallam
________________________________

A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his
newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.
After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the
wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.

The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story
here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says:
"You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"

The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I
pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man.
I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to
pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence.
"You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for
these things?"

The old man nods.

"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these
things?"

The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long?
Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."

The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come
and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"

"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm
talking to a wall."

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W E E K E N D F U N N I E S
01234567890012345678900123456789001234567890012345678900123456789001234567890012345678
Exact Change
------------
A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint
of beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll
be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill
and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects
his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a
Singles Bar."

0123456789001234567890012345678900123456789001234567890012345678900123456789001234567890
Nice Eye
--------
A guy reaches out of his apartment window to see if it's raining,
and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up and sees a woman
looking down. He yells, "Is this yours?"

She says, "Yes...could you please bring it up?" He goes up, walks
into her apartment, hands her the eye, and she says, "I'm about to
have dinner. Please join me." After dinner, she says, "Want to
go to bed?"

He says, "Are you this friendly to every guy you meet?"

She says, "No. Only the ones who catch my eye."

0123456789001234567890012345678900123456789001234567890012345678900123456789001234567890
All Wrapped Up
--------------
Max comes home to his wife Minnie on Christmas Eve and says,
"I left the mall in such a hurry today, I forgot to get two
things."

"Like what?" Minnie asks.

"For one thing," Max says, "I forgot to get wrapping paper."

"That's okay," Minnie says. "You don't need to wrap my present."

"Actually," Max says, "That's the other thing."

___________________________________________________________________________

Here's your daily CyberCheeze!

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's
wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the
terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the
mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are
about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their
rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the
landlord," he sobbed.

[Today's joke was suggested by (Anonymous)]

___________________________________________________________________________

BY THE POOL
- submitted by Prescott Tolk
______________________________

A man walks by an empty swimming pool and sees an injured
man lying at the bottom of it. "Are you okay?" the passerby
asks.

"No!" the injured man shouts back. "I broke my arm after
diving into the pool."

"Why did you dive into an empty pool?" the passerby asks.

"Because," the man replies, "I can't swim."
_____________________________

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****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer
industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles
to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General
Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. Forno reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2.Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would
have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would dieon the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this,
restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuversuch as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down andrefuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car,
unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would
have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that
was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and
twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent
of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator
warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car
default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone
to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say
"Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally for no
reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM
would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though
they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete
this option would immediately cause the car's performance to
diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target
for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Every time
GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would
operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You'd
press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light
bulb?

None - they will re-define darkness as an industry standard

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Y2K CHECKLIST
- written by Prescott Tolk
____________________________

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NOT Y2K READY:

You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.

You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.

The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting the computer.

You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.

You're Amish.


SIGNS THAT YOUR COMPUTER ISN'T Y2K READY:

It has trouble supporting the latest version of Tetris.

The spell check replaces the word "You" with "Thou."

It takes the same amount of time to re-boot as it does to bake
a potato.

The manual advises you to throw a towel over the monitor to use
as a screen saver.

It needs to be updated to binary code.

**************************************************************************************
This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news
first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear
the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

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MR. FIX-IT
- submitted by Anne Audrey
____________________________

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist,
and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king
and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up
to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine,
the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came
the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck.
Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the
first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was
set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or
head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up," said the chemist.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came
the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well,
the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first
time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or
head down?" asked the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the
rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"